I've been meaning to get this to you for a long time. Sorr for the delay. Enjoy
Chow Hall characters
In addition to the funny names I’ve seen in the chow hall, there have been some constants, and by that I’m referring to the characters we watch on a regular basis. We try not to be viscous with the nicknames, but sometimes ya can’t help it. Take Cube for instance – this guy is as tall as he is wide and I’m not kidding. Cube is probably 5’4” tall, has a 44” waist and whenever we see him his tray is overloaded with all manner of fried foods (chicken, cheeseburgers, French fries, potato chips, cheese sticks, egg rolls, fried rice, etc.) It’s no wonder his girth and height match. A new unit arrived bringing Cube’s cousin – Retarded Cube, or RC for short. RC is just slightly taller than Cube by maybe an inch, and his girth is probably 60”. I can’t fathom how anyone could let himself degenerate into such a blob of a person. He got the name Retarded Cube when we heard him talking at a table behind us. The poor guy is quite unfortunate looking. Besides the layer of blubber that would make a walrus green with envy, RC has huge jowls, buck teeth, no chin and an under bite. Oh, and don’t forget the unintelligible diction and thick accent – I think he’s from Mississippi.
Muffin man – a guy who eats a regular breakfast (we’ve seen what he puts on his plate) and on his way out grabs 7-8 Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, stuffing 3-4 per cargo pocket. This happens every day after breakfast. We always wondered where he works and what he does with those muffins because he’s not obese like the Cousins Cube.
We all noticed the new crew of Rangers that arrived about 3 weeks ago. It’s funny, the guys arrive mostly skinny and depart mostly muscled monsters. Yeah, the lucky bastards have such a great schedule they can work out twice a day if they want, or run and work out, etc. It’s frustrating for those of us who want to lift even occasionally. But whatever, we each have our distinct missions with individual responsibilities. Anyway, Mary Danger pointed out many of the new Rangers have hairy legs and big noses. For some reason she insists they are Jewish. I guess her concept of Jewish men includes large noses and dark hair. I have no idea of their background, but I’ve titled them “the Chosen ones.”
A long time ago we noticed this tall guy (at least 6’4”) with an enormous belly and thick blond locks of hair that swoop down across his forehead. Mary dubbed this one Hey Kool-Aid because he reminds her of the gigantic Kool-Aid pitcher of the commercials – I think it’s his belly. Well he developed a shadow – a smaller, darker-haired version of himself, who I call Crystal Lite. The guy looks like Hey Kool-Aid, but he’s not as big, tall or blond. However, unlike the Cubes, these guys are in the gym daily and eat right and as a result, have lost a lot of weight.
Foe-Foe is this attractive, female MP who always eats dinner with two Air Force guys. Like all women in the military she must pull her hair back or wear it really short. Foe-Foe pulls her hair back into a tight bun which causes her lobe to resemble the Alien monster. She’s got less of a forehead , more like a five or six head. It’s incredible and makes me ponder the size of her brain.
Dina, Muriel & Ray are DFAC workers who are cool as hell. Dina works more or less as the defacto manager at the chow hall. She’s been there as long as we have and will remain long after we depart. She’s always quick with a smile and a “Hey Sugar!” Dina makes everyone smile. Muriel used to work behind the counter and I’d get a hug from her every morning. She was awesome and thought my name was Josh. I never corrected her. Muriel transferred to working in the gym or MWR facility for a few months then went home on vacation. Unfortunately FLUOR took over the KBR contract and with that brought in new rules for their workers. Muriel and Ray were both on medication that was approved for deployment with KBR, but not with FLUOR so when they returned to the states for vacation both were prevented from returning. Ray was the actual manager at the DFAC. He always sat with us for a bit whenever we saw him. He became a friend. If we wanted to have a BBQ at the unit, Ray would give us chicken, potato salad, steaks, beans, whatever we wanted. He figured it would be the same food if we ate in the chow hall so he hooked us up outside the place.
I’m sure you’ve noticed an oversized muscled guy once in your life. We’ve got quite a few of them here – the civilian contractors whose jobs require very little of their time or the military guys who only work an 8 to 5 job on base and have ample time to work out. We’ve got a guy I dubbedTiny. He’s probably 6’2” and weighs 250lbs. Tiny is a black dude who always has this mean look on his face. The first time he approached me in the gym asking me to use the machine I was on I told him to fuck off – that he wasn’t big enough to lift with us (me and Mary were lifting). I got the initial impression he was joking but he looked surprised, then Mary, me and Tiny laughed. He’s been a friend ever since. Mary tells Tiny he can’t hang with us because he’s too weak. It’s hilarious.
You should see Tiny’s plate in the DFAC, he needs two hands to carry it because it’s always overloaded with healthy, protein enriched food. He told me he quite ordering egg white omelets for breakfast because the substance they use only contains a few grams of protein, not the regular amount, so now he sticks to chicken breast, steak, and other high protein stuff. Must be nice to have all that free time. I bet he craps a lot.
Buttah is Tiny’s military complement. The guy is young, probably 22 yr old. He works off base often but always seems to have time each day for the gym. Buttah is my height but must weigh 200lbs of solid muscle – which will only get bigger. He eats an enormous amount of food at each meal, always healthy, well as healthy as you can get in our DFAC. One morning I watched him consume a huge omelet, a big bowl of oatmeal, lots of fruit and two bowls of cereal. Then he got a plate “to go.” Jesus, another lucky one who can work out regularly. Oh, the reason we call him Buttah? He’s got a slammin body, not too big for his size and lean – but his face would scare small children. Hence, Buttah, cuz he’s butt ugly.
There’s a chick we see in the DFAC without fail, at least once a day. Turns out Layla and her grew up together. We call her Superstar because she looks like the Molly Shannon character from SNL. However, the girl is tragically stuck in her childhood, style wise. Layla dropped her fork when she first saw Superstar, stating “I think I went to elementary school with her.” After a short investigation, sure enough, Layla was right. Layla said the girl’s style hasn’t changed since kindergarten and that she can’t wait to return to the small, Kansas town from whence she came – thinking it’s the best place on earth. Good for her, poor thing.
Although I could describe many more people, I’ll end this section with one of my favorites. She’s like a train wreck from which you can’t avert your eyes. I call her Titty Bounce. TB for short is this light skinned black woman who could probably be reasonably attractive except for the sour scowl she always wears on her face. Yes, TB is packin’ much breasticles, but the reason for the Christian name I’ve given her is the clothing.
Miss Hoochie wears the lowest cut, tightest, short sleeve shirts possible, exposing both breasts nearly to the nipple. But why bother, the nipples fight for attention themselves, protruding thru the gauzy fabric anyway. I can’t remember ever seeing her wear anything but designer terrycloth type sweat pants. My favorite are the brown ones with rhinestone studded “Juicy” embroidered across her ample ass. She’s not fat per se, more like a fusion of J Lo’s and the infamous Kardasian booties we are bombarded with on television. I guess my issue with her is this – yeah, you’re packing a good body, but why walk around dressed like a slut? Doesn’t your employer have a dress code, of ANY kind? There are enough crazed, horny military guys walking around base already, why give them another reason to stalk you honey?